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The Washington Evening Post Times
The formation of LetsWinAmerica has spurred rival organization USATF-CIO to explore new avenues of revenue and promotion for track and field within the United States. Behind the scene Craig Masbeck has explored ways to create a more generous revenue stream by soliciting ideas from the most powerful sports organizations in the world. His initial requests for proposals have generated immediate response and he has narrowed his field to six of those most promising ideas. Masbeck is now looking for feedback from rank and file members of the USATF-CIO on the following proposals.

Proposal 1
Source : NASCAR
Initiative : Revenue Production
Advertising on vehicles has been a consistent provider of revenue for auto racing. The USATF-CIO has proposed to begin advertising on singlets, running shorts and directly on the skin via tattoos. Some of the less glamorous events such as shot put and hammer throw would immediately vault to greater television attention due to their wider potential for sponsorship. As Masbeck noted – no other events would be capable of providing the space needed to advertise for Cheerios or Balco Industries. This proposal hasn’t been without its’ detractors. Sprinters have shown little interest due to their limited exposure time and distance runners have recognized their limitation to sponsors with short names.

Proposal 2
Source : NFL
Initiative : Increased Fan Base
In the words of an NFL spokesman who prefers to be unnamed, “When you tune in to track and field there is virtually no anticipation to see blood, broken bones, scantily clad cheerleaders or ridiculous celebrations. How do they expect anyone to watch? The NFL is prepared to solve all these problems.” The NFL will use a four pronged attack.

  • Spikes will no longer be reserved for just running shoes. Runners will be required to wear ½” pin spikes on elbow pads. “The start of the 800M has the potential to be the signature moment of the sport”, the spokesman opined.
  • Throwing events will have to be measured from the point of release to the point where a teammate is able to catch the implement in the air. The shot put, discus and especially the hammer throw will become focal points for orthopedic surgeons.
  • By eliminating women’s track there will be a huge new supply of females available to be track cheerleaders.
  • Throwing batons will no longer be cause for disqualification. The NFL style track meets will promote finish line dances and jumping pit gyrations.

Proposal 3
Source : NCAA Basketball
Initiative : Meet Restructuring
The best 64 teams in track and field will be included in a dual meet single-elimination tournament. Though betting will be forbidden, every newspaper in the US will provide brackets and it is expected that 97% of the adult population will enter pools despite not knowing a single athlete’s name.

Proposal 4
Source : Major League Baseball
Initiative : Increased Fan Base
The solution is simple according to future baseball commissioner Nomar ‘I’d be better than Arod if I was ever healthy’ Garciaparra. “The sport just moves too fast! Slow it down like baseball. We can have a pitcher and catcher throw the baseball back and forth for two hours. If no one ever hits it the fans will talk about the game the rest of their lives!”

Proposal 5
Source : National Hockey League
Initiative : Meet Restructuring
Gerry “Stitches” Cheevers provided the following explanation. “The first step would be to require shirts with sleeves. When an athlete gets in a fight they could disable the opponent by pulling the singlet over their head. There would also be a wall along the inside rail. Imagine how exciting it would have been to see Regina Jacobs drive Suzy Favor into the boards. Perhaps the most innovative idea would be to have a bench along the home stretch. Whenever runners passed by they could signal the coach and a replacement could be sent in. They could also drop a discus between two throwers and only the one who gained control could throw it. And hey, how about this? Cover the track with ice and . . . zamboni driver . . . dentists . . . “

Proposal 6
Source : NBC
Initiative : Revenue Production
Twenty random people would be broken into two teams and placed in an apartment together. Each week assigned a different event. The losing team would have to go to the locker room where Coach Donald Trump ask them each who s—ked the worst and would cut one of the athletes from the squad. The final contestant would represent the US on his Olympic Team even though probably unqualified.

USATF has decided to enlist the aid of to tabulate the results of this poll. To vote for your favorite proposal merely reprint this page with your choice highlighted in yellow magic marker. Enclose with a check for $100.00 made out to and you will automatically be entered in a drawing for $100.00. The winner will be notified via a direct mailing from the Grand Caymans. Please allow 8 to 16 weeks for notification.